Taking inventory

As I write this, my parents are on a plane heading back to Florida. We had a lovely visit, only I'm now left wondering what do with the items they left in my pantry. Herewith a brief inventory:

* America's Choice Bran Flakes

* Post Bran Flakes

* Kellogg's All-Bran

* Kellogg's All-Bran Complete Oat Flakes

* Sunsweet Pitted Bite Size Prunes

* Metamucil Orange smooth texture/sugar-free

I'm not saying I sense a pattern or anything, but I wonder if I've shirked my patriotic responsibilities by not having warned the pilot.

Anyway, I guess it could be worse ...


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And tomorrow is Thursday

For the purposes of this blog, my parents will be referred to as Helen and Morty. All other facts are accurate and precise. Dialogue appears exactly as it was spoken.

INT. KITCHEN. DAY. Helen and Morty Meister are staying with their novelist/professional wiseass daughter, Ellen, and her family. It is 8:00 a.m., and Helen is seated at the kitchen table eating her breakfast of black coffee and 22 carefully-measured calories of bran flakes. She is slightly thinner than Nancy Reagan.

Her husband, MORTY, shuffles in from the guest bedroom, wearing his new slippers, which he insists are suitable for indoor wear and occasional trips to Starbucks. He stops at the doorway, waiting for his wife to look up. When she does, he speaks.

MORTY: Today is Wednesday.

HELEN: I know today is Wednesday.

MORTY: Yesterday you said it was Wednesday.

HELEN: Yesterday I said it was Tuesday.

MORTY: I said, 'Is today Wednesday?' and you said, 'Yes.'

HELEN: You said, 'Is today Tuesday?'

MORTY: Wednesday. I said, 'Is today Wednesday?'

HELEN: No.

MORTY: Yes, you told me yesterday was Wednesday.

HELEN: Why would I say that? Yesterday was Tuesday.

MORTY: Then how come I took Wednesday's medicine?

HELEN: I don't know. Yesterday was Tuesday.

ELLEN: Can you guys talk a little slower?

MORTY: Why?

ELLEN: I'm taking notes for my blog.

-FADE OUT-

Blog alert

My parents are coming tomorrow, and will stay with us for a week. This means my blog will write itself. Seriously, all I have to do is transcribe some of their conversations and voila--instant amusement. Think Helen and Morty Seinfeld, only smarter. And better looking. But the whole Del Boca Vista? Dead on. That's exactly where my parents live.

Anyway, I guess I'm ready for their arrival. I got an email from Dad today with the subject line URGENT! I opened it in a panic, only to discover that he needed to know if I still had that thermal coffee cup he uses when he's here. He wasn't being ironic. The thought of having to drink coffee that's not still bubbling as it goes down his throat sends Dad into an anxious frenzy.

Fortunately, I found the cup. The other thing I did to prepare for their arrival was buy a flat of tissue boxes from a discount warehouse. I have to leave a box every four feet throughout the house, as Dad needs to have tissues within arm's reach at all times.

Mom's a bit easier. Two extra space heaters, a pile of blankets on the den couch, a roaring log fire and she's as good as gold. Now if only I had a fireplace ...

Why the screenwriters are striking

THE ROAD TO HELLBy Jackie Kessler

I'm happy to be inaugurating my new blog design with a GCC Does Hollywood post for the extraordinary Jackie Kessler. Jackie's one of the only Girlfriends Cyber Circuit authors I had the pleasure of meeting in person (thanks to the author who actually brought me into the group, Melanie Lynne Hauser). We met before her first book, HELL'S BELLES, came out, and she made such an impression on me that I just knew she was a wonderful writer who'd have a brilliant career.

Sure enough, her first book took off like a rocket, enthralling readers and critics alike. And now she's launching the second book in the Hell on Earth series, THE ROAD TO HELL.

I asked Jackie if she would come up with a Hollywood-style pitch for each book and here's what she said:



HELL'S BELLES is about a succubus who runs away from Hell, hides on Earth as an exotic dancer, and learns the hard way about true love. Sex, strippers,demons -- what's not to like?





In THE ROAD TO HELL, a former succubus must return to Hell to save the lives of those she loves. If she'd known love was this tough, she never would have turned her back on Lust...





I hope that whets your appetite enough to read the series that Publishers Weekly calls "sizzling paranormal." And while you do, you can feel free to picture the actors Jackie would cast in the starring roles ...



Ooh. Matt Damon as Paul, the love interest.






Ben Affleck as Roman, the slimyclub owner.




And for Jezebel...hmm. Maybe Eva Longoria. As long as she can dance.



You can buy HELL'S BELLES and THE ROAD TO HELL at your favorite chain or independent bookstore. To buy online, visit Amazon, Barnes & Noble or any cyber bookseller. For more information, or to view a really cool trailer for the new book, visit Jackie's website, jackiekessler.com.

UNLUCKY By Jana DeLeon

For weeks I've been trying to clear the decks to blog about this wonderful book, but one emergency or another kept popping up. I thought I finally had time this weekend but couldn't manage it with my trip to Baltimore. So here at last is my tribute to a wonderful author and her newest delight, UNLUCKY.

Fortunately, Jana agreed to participate in my GCC Does Hollywood post, but first I want to share with you a quote from a recent review:

“Grab a box of Kleenexes for the laughter, sit back and enjoy. Absolutely one of the best romantic suspense novels I have ever read.” – Romance Reader at Heart

Nice!

So okay, here's how Jana would pitch the book to our fictional producer:

A chronically unlucky woman takes a job as a card "cooler" at a poker tournament of criminals, upsetting the plans of a sexy undercover FBI agent who needs his target to stick around long enough to bust him for money laundering.

That's a seriously filmic plot, so I expect to see this book snatched up soon. Meanwhile, here's Jana's dream leads for the movie version:

I would love someone like Eva Mendes to play the heroine. I think she's sexy in a fun way and could totally pull of a Cajun girl.

For the hero, I'm thinking David Duchovny because I always loved him in the X-Files.

To buy UNLUCKY, visit your local chain or independent bookstore. To purchase online, visit Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BooksAMillion or any cyber bookseller. For more information, visit Jana's website at janadeleon.com.

Before I sign off today, a special shout-out to the folks at LiteracyWorks, Inc. for the great work they do and the amazing job they did with the Baltimore Book Bash this weekend. Thanks so much for inviting me. I had a blast!

Also want to send kisses to the wonderful cousins who let me crash at their beautiful home, and their amazing, accomplished daughters, one of whom blogs at http://www.maxthegirlblogger.blogspot.com/.

Baltimore Book Bash

I'm heading down to Baltimore for the big Book Bash sponsored by Literacy Works, Inc. I'll be among 50 authors signing books, and if you're there, I hope you'll stop by and say hi. It's at the Tremont Grand today, 11/4, from 6pm - 9pm. Click here for more information.