Thomas Edison's Heavenly Outbox

This is a silly story that appeared a few years ago in the now-defunct Haypenny.


Thomas Edison's Heavenly Outbox

By Ellen Meister


To: psychpop1@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Sigmund,
Good to hear from you, and glad to know that things have finally calmed down for you now that Dostoevsky has transferred out of your sector. I know what you mean about the Russians. Once in a while you just want to say, lighten up.

But I have to disagree with you about Marilyn Monroe. I am not “obsessed” with her. If you want to know what obsessed looks like, go see your friend Ben Franklin. He was drooling all over her at a party last week at Oscar Wilde’s. Even James Dean was rolling his eyes. And then Franklin pretends like he’s my best friend, asking me to explain again about semi-conductors and have I seen what they’re doing down there these days with flat screens.

And speaking of James Dean, did your hear what he said? He said heaven’s like high school with wings. Everyone was rofl, especially Wilde, who must have giggled for twenty minutes. A little excessive, I think. But draw your own conclusions.

So what do you think about me and Marilyn? Should I call her or what?

-TAE


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To: bigben@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Ben,
No, I had no idea G assigned you and Marilyn to watch over the filming of a Hollywood movie down there. When did this happen? Anyway, congrats. Sounds like a lot of fun.

I’d love to let you “pick my brain,” as you say, about light and sound. But I’m kind of busy myself these days as G has me watching over the sick and dying in a remote Amazon village. Not as glam as making sure Tobey Maguire gets his due, but somebody’s got to ease the pain, right? Anyway, I’m attaching some documents that should answer your questions.

Send my best to Marilyn.

-TAE


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To: normajeane@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Dear Marilyn,
I hear you and Ben Franklin are assigned to watch over the making of a Hollywood movie. So glad you’re back “in the game.” It must be very exciting for you!

Anyways, just wanted to tell you that I’d be happy to let you “pick my brain” if you have any questions about light and sound. As you may have heard, I know a thing or two about those areas, having invented the light bulb, the phonograph, moving pictures, etc.

Best,
Sparky


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To: psychpop1@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Sigmund,
Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. A monsoon hit the village I’m watching and I’ve been crazy busy guiding souls to their final reward.

But anyway, guess who I saw mingling spirits the other day? Oscar Wilde and James Dean. I KNEW something was going on between those two!

Once again, I have to disagree with you about me and Marilyn. My attraction for her has nothing to do with my mother. (Have you SEEN my mother?) Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, Sigmund.

-TAE


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To: bigben@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Ben,
Too bad you had trouble opening those attachments I sent. Have you tried downloading Acrobat Reader?

-TAE


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To: normajeane@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Dear Marilyn,
I guess you’re right. It’s probably not necessary to understand all that “science-y stuff” when you’re just trying to help people. But no, I don’t think it would help to go to Sigmund for psychological insights into the movie stars. He can get pretty technical and hard-to-follow sometimes. And anyway, he’s just going to tell you that they all feel guilty about wanting to sleep with their own mothers.

Been extra-busy lately easing the pain and suffering of the living, and guiding departed souls to heaven. But it’s rewarding work, and I’m flattered G chose me to do it.

Wanna go out for coffee sometime?

Best,
Sparky

P.S. Did I ever tell you how great I thought you were in “Bus Stop”?


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To: wilde1@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Oscar,
Yes, I may have mentioned to Sigmund that I saw you and James Dean mingling spirits. But I was not JUDGING you. I think it’s great. You guys look swell together.

-TAE


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To: wilde1@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Oscar,
I’m glad we cleared the air, too. And no, I didn’t know that Sigmund and Marilyn have been seen paling around together lately. Are you sure about this?

-TAE


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To: bigben@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Ben,
Were you ever able to open those documents I sent? Hope so, because I’ve attached some others that may interest you.

By the way, I’ve been hearing rumors about Marilyn lately. Is it true she’s seeing Freud (and not as a patient)? Boy, talk about a mismatch!

-TAE


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To: psychpop1@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Sigmund,
No, I don’t think it’s big of you to “confess” that you and Marilyn have been dating since she went to you for advice on Tobey Maguire. In fact, it sounds more to me like boasting.

And I can’t help but wonder … what was your relationship like with YOUR mother?

-TAE


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To: normajeane@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Marilyn,
Once again, I think your boyfriend, “Siggy,” is reading too much into things. You and I don’t have anything to “work out.” It’s not like we ever dated or anything.

And thanks for letting me know that you two think Janis Joplin and I would make a “nice couple.” Frankly, it’s really none of your business who I go out with, even if she did tell you she thinks I’m “cute in a geeky sort of way.”

Have a nice afterlife.

-TAE


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To: rockchick@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Dear Janis,
I got your G-mail address from James Dean, who tells me you have an abiding interest in the rain forests of South America. Did you know that G has me watching over an Amazon village? If you don’t mind, I’d love an opportunity to “pick your brain.” Do you think we can meet sometime?

Rock on,
Thomas Alva Edison
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