A Sleepover

Yesterday my oldest son slept at a friend's house. And even though the mom is a friend I know and trust, I had a dream last night that my boy was taken away on the back of someone's motorcycle, and then sold for slavery. Sorry this next part is so disgusting, but when I learned what happened to him, I screamed and screamed and screamed until my mouth filled with pus.

*sigh*

There should be a word stronger than love for the way we feel about our kids.

Come hear me speak!

I'm not sure I have anything interesting to say, but if you want to hear my Long Island accent for yourself, you can come to the Suburban Temple in Wantagh, NY on Wednesday, November 16, where I'll be the guest speaker. Come for dinner, and see if can make it through without spilling anything on myself. It might actually be quite entertaining. I'll even do a reading from SECRET CONFESSIONS OF THE APPLEWOOD PTA, if I can find more than two consecutive pages that are clean enough to read in a synagogue. Festivities begin around 7 pm. For details, contact Glen Held at hfamfive@aol.com

Progress update on both books

Today's page count: 150

I'm plugging away at my second novel, THE SMART ONE, which is due this July. I guess that might sound like a lot of time to some people, but I'm not an especially fast writer. I'm just not the type who can throw it onto the page in any old form and then go back later to fix it. Call me anal, but I have to hammer away paragraph by paragraph, editing as I go. That's not to say I don't do revisions later on, it's just that it has to feel right for me to proceed.

The other day I got kind of jammed up on one of my minor characters, and with this deadline looming, that makes me panic. I just don't have time to wrestle with these things. On the other hand, the thought of sacrificing quality for speed makes me crazy, so I forced myself to focus hard and take a couple of days to rethink this character, and I finally feel better about him. I just wasn't relating to him before--didn't get who he was. But I changed him into somebody else, and that's made all the difference. So I'm moving forward again.

Anyway, I'm on Chapter 14 now, and haven't shown anything to my agents since Chapter 6, so I hope I'm on the right track here. I'm working toward one particular scene before I send it off for their input. I should get to that pretty soon--either in this chapter or the next.

In other news, I'm close to having an approved cover for SECRET CONFESSIONS OF THE APPLEWOOD PTA. Everyone loves what the designer and illustrator did with my suggestion for using a Lichtenstein-esque visual, including me. I'm so thrilled with the cover that I wish I could show it to you today! But I think they're still experimenting with one color element. I'll post it the very second I can. In the meantime, don't forget that you can pre-order the book from Amazon.com today (and be the first on your block to own one!).

I also found out that they're going to need my book jacket author photo by the end of December, so I have to get right on that. Since I can't go back in time and have the picture taken ten years ago, I'll have to find a talented photographer who isn't a stickler for sharp focus.

SECRET CONFESSIONS OF THE APPLEWOOD PTA on Amazon!

Today I was stunned to discover that my book is available for pre-order from Amazon.com. That's ten months ahead of the pub date! Friends, I don't even have a copyediting schedule yet. (I do, however, have a cover, so hooray! I don't think I'm allowed to post it yet, as it hasn't been officially signed off on. But check back again next week.) Anyway, if you're the type who really likes to plan ahead, feel free to order now. :)
Click here

Hilarious new television show:The Office

I'm not going to say every TV show I like gets cancelled, but I will say every TV show I like that's this smart and funny gets cancelled. (Two great examples are Sports Night and Buffalo Bill.) So this is a totally self-serving post, as I'd love to get viewership up so this show stays on the air. Please, give this a shot. I promise there's nothing sitcom-y about it. It's completely character-driven, and zeroes in on the relationships between these hilarious, authentic, offbeat (yet recognizable) individuals. It's on NBC on Tuesday night. To see a clip, click The Office, and then click videos. The one called "Sexual Harassment" is particularly hilarious. Hell, they all are. I'm telling you.

If you're clicking over here from Richard's blog ...

I just want to go on record as saying that while Richard Lewis is a talented writer and one of the nicest guys I know, I think he's wrong for trying to publicly "out" anonymous lit agent/blogger, Miss Snark. She provides an invaluable service to the writing community, and I respect her desire to remain anonymous. I also think it does an irresponsible disservice to the agent he wrongly names.

Okay, that's all I'm going to say on the subject. My apologies to my non-writer friends for this cryptic post.

A George Clooney dream

My dreams have such obvious symbolism it's almost embarrassing. And it's been this way as long as I can remember. In fact, back in high school, a friend who thought my dream messages were blatant enough to be comic called them "Ellen's Gilligan's Island dreams."

So okay. With that set-up, here's my dream from last night, which should be pretty obvious to anyone who knows the history of my selling a book with George Clooney's name in the title, and then having the rug pulled out from under me when I found out I couldn't use his name, but enjoying a happy resolution in the end with a great, new title ...

I was in a building with a friend waiting for George Clooney to show up. Clooney hadn't met me before, but knew the woman who wrote the book about him would be there, and expected me to greet him. So I rushed up to him when he entered, but my friend got in front and introduced herself first, irritating me for stealing the attention. Still, I was able to introduce myself and talk to him.

Later, I learned that someone had remodeled a bathroom in the attic over the room we were in, but hadn't yet installed a staircase. So to see it, you had to climb up this very, very long ladder and peer inside through a hole in the floor. Clooney was already up there, and I wanted to be up there, too, so I could get a peek. When George Clooney came down, I climbed all the way up the ladder. I wasn't afraid of climbing the ladder, which surprised me as it was so high, but I was wary about walking around in the room being remodeled, as the floor might not be sturdy. I didn't have to worry about it, though, because when I got to the top of the ladder, Clooney lifted it up from the bottom and rotated it so I could see the whole room, which thrilled me. But later, when I was in the room upstairs, I found that Clooney had taken the ladder away. Fortunately, I was somehow able to get back down, and then helped some other women who were having trouble getting down.

And that's it. If you think it requires interpretation, be my guest. If not, go ahead and giggle.

Life Imitates Seinfeld

or "Why We Get Home Delivery of The Wall Street Journal"


Again and again, I find that life imitates Seinfeld. Perhaps that's the genius of the show. At any rate, I was reminded of it recently when I saw the episode where Kramer returns his fruit and is banished forever from his favorite produce market.

When we first moved to Long Island, my husband started buying his Wall Street Journal from the newsstand at our train station. The first day he picked up the 75 cent paper and handed the man a dollar, he received two dimes and a nickel change. The next day, same thing. On the third day, a woman in front of my husband paid for her paper with quarters, but still the man gave my husband two dimes and a nickel.

"Why don't you give me a quarter?" my husband asked.

"Why do you mess up my papers?" the man shot back.

"Mess up your papers?"

"You never take the top copy."

"Uh, yeah. That's true, I always take the second one."

The man wagged his finger. "A bad habit, my friend."

With three days of dimes and nickels jangling in his pocket, my husband shrugged and went on his way, thinking the guy needed to lighten up. After all, didn't everyone take the second paper?

The next day my husband decided he'd beat the newsstand man at his own game, and paid in dimes and nickels. The man just glared.

This went on for several weeks--my husband taking the second paper, the kiosk man never giving him a quarter, my husband giving him back his dimes and nickels every fourth day. The tension built until one day the kiosk man upped the ante and gave my husband his change in just nickels.

What did he hope to accomplish? Did he think my husband would call a truce at that point and start taking the top paper? No way. By this point there was principle at stake. This is America, damnit, and if someone wants to take the second paper, he does.

The man continued to give my husband nickels for the next two days. And as you probably guessed, on the fourth day my husband grabbed the second paper from the top and gave the newsstand man fifteen nickels.

The man looked down at the change in his hand, nostrils flaring. My husband smirked and walked away, but the man threw down the changed and yelled after him, "You are a bad man! You cannot buy your newspaper here anymore! You ... are ... BANNED!"

We've been getting home delivery ever since.

Why I'm not blogging much: My horoscope tells all

No sooner do I start this blog than I realize that if I don't write a chapter a week between now and this summer, there's no way I'll make deadline on my new novel, THE SMART ONE. According to my horoscope, this is a good thing:



You will be highly creative and productive this month, especially when you are in solitude, so don't allow anyone to pull you out of your cocoon into the real world. It's your time to center yourself, because what is to come to you soon will change everything. You need to be ready - this is your month to do the deep thinking necessary to make the coming period a roaring success.

Thanks to Susan Henderson for the link to this excellent horoscope site.

Happy 5766

Peace.

My To Do List

What does it say about a person if they add something to their To Do List after they've already done it, just so they can cross it off?

On second thought, don't answer that.

President Stupid

Just had to share this:
Presidential Speech

Should I thank this friend in my acknowledgments?

I need a little advice here.

When I wrote my first novel, I got a tremendous amount of help and feedback from a very dear friend whose name I will not reveal here. She was smart, gentle and insightful. Of course, it was always my intention to thank her in my acknowledgments.

Several months ago, however, for reasons that are still unclear to me, this friend dropped me like a hot ball of wax. She politely told me she was just too busy for the friendship. It was hurtful, but I’m a big girl and a busy mama, and got on with it. However, she followed this up with a few passive-aggressive attacks. This was excruciating, as I wouldn’t have hurt her for all the Hershey’s Kisses in the world, and have no idea why she would want to do that to me.

Again, I turned the other cheek and got on with it, as there was nothing else I could do. (That’s the infuriating thing about passive-aggressive attacks. You can’t stick up for yourself—you can’t even argue—because the attacker will always respond with a righteous, Moi? I meant no harm!)

Still, I intended to thank her in my acknowledgments, because no matter what else came after, her help with the book was undeniable.

Now, as you probably know, I’ve sold another book. And since this individual was such a huge part of the first book, I thought she’d like to know. Keep in mind that though we rarely correspond these days, we do maintain a cordial rapport. So, even though I knew she had already heard the news, I gave her the courtesy of dropping her a line to let her know. She never answered back, which I take as the final statement on this friendship. Am I hurt? You betcha. Because regardless of what transpired between us, there’s no force on heaven or earth that would have kept me from congratulating her if the shoe were on the other foot.

So now, dear reader, I need some opinions. Since the role she played in the book is not diminished, do I stick with my original plan and thank her in the acknowledgments, or just forget she ever existed?

To make this a little more complicated, including her in the acknowledgments is not necessarily taking the high road, as I’m pretty sure she would prefer not to be mentioned. So in a sense, if I wanted to sink to her level of passive-aggression, I would not only include her, but print her name in bold type.

What would you do in my shoes?

Thomas Edison's Heavenly Outbox

This is a silly story that appeared a few years ago in the now-defunct Haypenny.


Thomas Edison's Heavenly Outbox

By Ellen Meister


To: psychpop1@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Sigmund,
Good to hear from you, and glad to know that things have finally calmed down for you now that Dostoevsky has transferred out of your sector. I know what you mean about the Russians. Once in a while you just want to say, lighten up.

But I have to disagree with you about Marilyn Monroe. I am not “obsessed” with her. If you want to know what obsessed looks like, go see your friend Ben Franklin. He was drooling all over her at a party last week at Oscar Wilde’s. Even James Dean was rolling his eyes. And then Franklin pretends like he’s my best friend, asking me to explain again about semi-conductors and have I seen what they’re doing down there these days with flat screens.

And speaking of James Dean, did your hear what he said? He said heaven’s like high school with wings. Everyone was rofl, especially Wilde, who must have giggled for twenty minutes. A little excessive, I think. But draw your own conclusions.

So what do you think about me and Marilyn? Should I call her or what?

-TAE


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To: bigben@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Ben,
No, I had no idea G assigned you and Marilyn to watch over the filming of a Hollywood movie down there. When did this happen? Anyway, congrats. Sounds like a lot of fun.

I’d love to let you “pick my brain,” as you say, about light and sound. But I’m kind of busy myself these days as G has me watching over the sick and dying in a remote Amazon village. Not as glam as making sure Tobey Maguire gets his due, but somebody’s got to ease the pain, right? Anyway, I’m attaching some documents that should answer your questions.

Send my best to Marilyn.

-TAE


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To: normajeane@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Dear Marilyn,
I hear you and Ben Franklin are assigned to watch over the making of a Hollywood movie. So glad you’re back “in the game.” It must be very exciting for you!

Anyways, just wanted to tell you that I’d be happy to let you “pick my brain” if you have any questions about light and sound. As you may have heard, I know a thing or two about those areas, having invented the light bulb, the phonograph, moving pictures, etc.

Best,
Sparky


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To: psychpop1@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Sigmund,
Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. A monsoon hit the village I’m watching and I’ve been crazy busy guiding souls to their final reward.

But anyway, guess who I saw mingling spirits the other day? Oscar Wilde and James Dean. I KNEW something was going on between those two!

Once again, I have to disagree with you about me and Marilyn. My attraction for her has nothing to do with my mother. (Have you SEEN my mother?) Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, Sigmund.

-TAE


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To: bigben@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Ben,
Too bad you had trouble opening those attachments I sent. Have you tried downloading Acrobat Reader?

-TAE


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To: normajeane@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Dear Marilyn,
I guess you’re right. It’s probably not necessary to understand all that “science-y stuff” when you’re just trying to help people. But no, I don’t think it would help to go to Sigmund for psychological insights into the movie stars. He can get pretty technical and hard-to-follow sometimes. And anyway, he’s just going to tell you that they all feel guilty about wanting to sleep with their own mothers.

Been extra-busy lately easing the pain and suffering of the living, and guiding departed souls to heaven. But it’s rewarding work, and I’m flattered G chose me to do it.

Wanna go out for coffee sometime?

Best,
Sparky

P.S. Did I ever tell you how great I thought you were in “Bus Stop”?


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To: wilde1@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Oscar,
Yes, I may have mentioned to Sigmund that I saw you and James Dean mingling spirits. But I was not JUDGING you. I think it’s great. You guys look swell together.

-TAE


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To: wilde1@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Oscar,
I’m glad we cleared the air, too. And no, I didn’t know that Sigmund and Marilyn have been seen paling around together lately. Are you sure about this?

-TAE


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To: bigben@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Ben,
Were you ever able to open those documents I sent? Hope so, because I’ve attached some others that may interest you.

By the way, I’ve been hearing rumors about Marilyn lately. Is it true she’s seeing Freud (and not as a patient)? Boy, talk about a mismatch!

-TAE


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To: psychpop1@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Sigmund,
No, I don’t think it’s big of you to “confess” that you and Marilyn have been dating since she went to you for advice on Tobey Maguire. In fact, it sounds more to me like boasting.

And I can’t help but wonder … what was your relationship like with YOUR mother?

-TAE


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To: normajeane@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Marilyn,
Once again, I think your boyfriend, “Siggy,” is reading too much into things. You and I don’t have anything to “work out.” It’s not like we ever dated or anything.

And thanks for letting me know that you two think Janis Joplin and I would make a “nice couple.” Frankly, it’s really none of your business who I go out with, even if she did tell you she thinks I’m “cute in a geeky sort of way.”

Have a nice afterlife.

-TAE


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To: rockchick@heaven.god
From: sparkyedison@heaven.god

Dear Janis,
I got your G-mail address from James Dean, who tells me you have an abiding interest in the rain forests of South America. Did you know that G has me watching over an Amazon village? If you don’t mind, I’d love an opportunity to “pick your brain.” Do you think we can meet sometime?

Rock on,
Thomas Alva Edison
________________________________________________________________________________

Literary handbags

Check it out. There's this company that actually makes handbags from books. Pretty cool eh? I'm thinking of getting one.



Note that they can make these to order, so I'm trying to think of what might be a fun title to make a purse from. Remember Abbie Hoffman's "Steal This Book"? Might confuse the hell out of purse snatchers. Other suggestions?

See more samples at Rebound Designs

George Clooney is coming to New York

Actually, he's probably already here, touting the premiere of his new film, "Good Night, and Good Luck," at the New York Film Festival.

If you have happen to run into him, can you tell him it's probably not too late to give his permission to use his name in the title of my book? He can reach me through this blog. Or at ellenmeister (at) hotmail.com. Or he can just pop in at my house, unannounced. But he should do it soon, before my husband gets home. (Hey, I'm just being a considerate wife. You know how boring it gets for the spouse when people talk shop, right?)

And speaking of Dorothy Parker ...

My latest online story, Sub-Zero, published in the fabulous Opium Magazine (bookmark it!), owes much to the voice Dorothy Parker captured in the short story this blog is named for, "From the Diary of a New York Lady."

*bows to Miss Parker and backs out of the room*

A second book deal!

I’m happy to announce that I’ve accepted an offer on my second novel, THE SMART ONE. Yippee!

More about the deal in a minute, but first a bit of backstory on the book. Several years ago, there was a news story on Long Island that captured my attention. A homeowner was getting ready to move out of his Jericho house when the buyer insisted he get rid of the 55-gallon industrial drum in the crawl space out back. The sanitation department wouldn’t take it without knowing its contents, so the seller had to open it, as the drum was there when he moved in and he had no idea what it contained.

Together with his realtor, the seller pried the lid off and made a gruesome discovery: the barrel contained the mummified body of a young pregnant woman.

An extensive police investigation identified the woman as an employee of the home’s original owner, who had since moved to Florida. After questioning the elderly man and telling him they’d be back for a sample of his DNA, he shot himself in the head. Of course, his DNA later proved that he was the father of the dead woman’s fetus.

This all happened so close to home that I couldn’t get it out of my mind and knew I had to wrap it into a novel. At the same time, I’d been thinking quite a bit about writing a sister story, exploring the family dynamic and understanding what kind of role that plays in self-image. The two ideas linked and I wound up with a proposal for a book I call THE SMART ONE. And while I borrow many facts from the real life story, it’s essentially a fictional tale, and more about the relationship between these sisters than the murder. So don’t feel like I’ve already given away the ending. This book is not a mystery.

Here’s a quick synopsis, which I’ll continue to refine:

Former artist Bev Bloomrosen is about to start her new career as a schoolteacher when she and her two sisters find a body in an industrial drum beneath their neighbor's house. On their Oz-like journey to discovering the identity of the murdered woman, they meet two dwarves, one carpenter and a comedy writer who loses his heart to Bev. With the help of her sisters, she is finally able to return his love, and learns that there is indeed no place like home… even if you live next door to a murderer.

THE SMART ONE will be published in hardcover by Morrow/Avon, the same company publishing SECRET CONFESSIONS OF THE APPLEWOOD PTA this summer. With any luck, this new book will be on the schedule for a summer '07 release.

Katrina Photo Journal: new link

Sorry that previous link to the photo journal of Hurricane Katrina went down so soon after I posted it. Here's a new link that works (for now, anyway):
Katrina

Thanks again to Fred Schoeneman.

Today's mail

You'll probably think I'm exaggerating, but I swear it's true. In today's mail, there was not one single credit card solicitation from Capital One. I'm worried about them. Think I should call over there, make sure they're okay?